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HOW TO BEGIN YOUR FIRST BDSM EXPERIENCE

First, why BDSM?

BDSM provides many things for new feeling of sex, including:

  • New Sensations
  • Enhanced Intimacy
  • Better Communications
  • Escape from the Ordinary
  • New Possibilities
  • A Sense of Danger
  • A Sense of Transgression

If done right, it isn’t dangerous. And it isn’t transgressive; BDSM is normal. But you can feel safe, while still embracing dangerous thrills and transgression, making a dull world of fluorescent office lights and traffic jams become exciting and new and different. You can inhabit new roles with your partner, providing a spark in your sex life. You can discover new facets of yourself, and in doing so rediscover each other. You can laugh and wince and explore together. You can talk about your deepest fantasies.

You can find that being tied down is the most free feeling of all.

 

Start With the Rear

Anal play is a kinky thing first-timers can definitely experiment with. There are more nerves in the sphincter than any other part of the body. You can use anal beads, anal stimulators, butt plugs and prostate milking. (Get some tips on how to get started in Your Top 10 Questions About Anal Play - Answered!)

 

Use What You've Got

Bondage gear doesn't have to be overly complicated. In fact, the scarves and stockings you have around the house can make excellent restraints and blindfolds.

When experimenting with bondage for the first time, it’s best to have your partner lie down before restraining them, rather than having them stand in one place, even for a short period of time. When tying restraints, use the two finger rule, as you would when testing the fit on a dog collar, to make sure that ties aren’t too tight. (Learn more in The Ins and Outs of Rope Bondage.)

 

Experiment with Sensation Play

Bondage can provide visual stimulation for a Dom/Domme and push the limits of trust for a sub, but it also intensifies the effects of sensation play. Try alternating between dripping soy candle wax, which melts at a low temperature (110 degrees), and ice on your partner’s skin. Once you're a bit more experienced, you can use a violet wand or electro-stimulation as a safe way to turn the entire body into an electrical conductor.

Nipple clamps can also be a lot of fun and can come in a variety of intensities. Try testing your comfort level by trying the clamps on your hand at the store before you buy them.

 

Try Spanking

Before going out to buy a paddle, crop or flogger, try spanking play with the most available tool: your hand. Then, if you really want to get your hands on spanking implements, start with a paddle that has leather on one side and a softer material on the other. Skinny, thin wood paddles used with a light tap are recommended for genitals. Wood and silicone paddles have much more bite; they’re more intense. Perforated paddles hurt more too.

Flappers and riding crops are great implements for beginners that can be used just as effectively by more experienced players. So are suede floggers, which can be used very lightly on the skin but can also deliver a bit of a sting.

Regardless of what you’re using, you want to use it on soft tissue to avoid damaging internal organs, such as the kidneys.

 

Safe Words Are Critical

Remember that if you're doing power play (Dominance and submission or Master and slave or Sadist and masochist), both of you have equal power when you negotiate the activity ahead of time, says Serra. "Everyone has an equal say as you decide on the framework for how things will unfold, especially in the beginning. As you get better at negotiating a scene, you'll learn how to make it endlessly sexy and even an important part of your foreplay," Serra says.

 

Know Your Boundaries

Just because you are doing BDSM in the bedroom doesn't mean you need to give up control outside of the bedroom, says Cassie Fuller from Touch Of Flavor. "Some people are not interested in anything more than using BDSM as a way to spice up sex and that's fine. In fact, most people don't have a Master/slave style relationship and just like to have a little kinky sex. You and your partner should understand what the other is looking for and respect each other's boundaries," says Fuller.

 

Always Be Honest

Honesty is the most important aspect to BDSM. ​"Your partner(s)​ need to know basic information about you such as past ​experiences, health concerns, emotional triggers, and turn-offs. Don't expect your partner to be a mind-reader and to instinctively knows your needs, wants, and limits. If the person that you are thinking about engaging in BDSM activities with doesn't ask you these things, make sure you speak up and tell them," says Fuller.